sugarbutch.net

it’s SO great to read another butch perspective on sexuality and gender (especially). i’m totally loving this blog!

http://www.sugarbutch.net/

http://www.sugarbutch.net/definitions/

http://www.sugarbutch.net/2007/11/motivations-behind-my-butch-identity-development-process/

http://www.sugarbutch.net/2008/06/on-butch-breasts/

square one.

so… she called…

and i don’t know yet exactly how to process it.

on one hand, it was REALLY great to hear her voice. on the other hand – it totally sucked, because the days, without her in them, were FINALLY getting easier.

nothing had changed.

there were no “new” developments in terms of how she feels regarding our relationship.

this is still something she has to do – for herself. for me. whatever…

And as much as i wanted to say “it’s ok! go ahead and change your mind! we can go back to where we were! Now, tell me ALL about your trip!!” –

Because in FACT, i never really had an issue with her wishy-washiness. The way I saw it – we weren’t “serious” – SO WHAT if she went back and forth in deciding what she wanted?! I didn’t think it was something to be concerned with – considering where we were/weren’t in our relationship.

– at this point, there’s no going back… I can’t. Not now. And as much as I REALLY wish the circumstances were different… they’re not.

I need to process more thoughts before I write anymore.

Well, I think I’ll be making my foyer back into the single world tomorrow night.

Yikes…

I really do hate this part… especially since I’m REALLY not ready to move on. And I’m really not over her. And I’m REALLY not ready to go out and about and ‘get get my game on’. ugh.

BUT, as my friend (who is also newly single) so bluntly told me, “I’m not saying we need to rebound into another [relationship] right away, but we sure as hell aren’t going to meet anyone sitting in our respective homes. We don’t have to hit on people or find anyone to date. But, we SHOULD start expanding our social circle… AND… I need instruction on how to meet people.”

So, there you have it – I’ll soon be diving into the deep-end of the dallas dating pool with a wing-man who needs floaties.

imogen heap

charming, delightful and insanely talented.

check out her vlog on YouTube…

rambling…

You know, it’s really rather hard to start over when everything around you is the same.

one more thing that rocks…

i’ve been trying to put my finger on exactly what it is about taking this stuff that makes such a huge difference… it’s just SO weird to me how one little pill can change my actions/reactions so drastically.

One thing in particular that I noticed is that, before – my mind was a constant whirlwind of thoughts/ideas/projects/lists/to do’s, etc. and it seemed like i never had time to get anything accomplished because there was too much other stuff to think about doing or to try to remember to do.

For example, let’s say I saw some stuff that needed to be picked up and put away in my apartment… I never thought that i had time to do it. On account of the whirlwind in my head

When, in actuality – it was never a matter of not having time – it was more about PERCEIVED time. My brain was so chaotic and busy – THAT was my reality.

Now that everything is slowed down a bit, and my thoughts and actions are more direct and focused, it’s AMAZING how little chores like laundry doesn’t seem like this HUGE insurmountable mountain of a project, and I realize that it takes no time at all and very little effort to take care of what needs to be done.

in fact, feel quite fancy with my newfound level productivity. i’m going to be unstoppable.

after years “wasted” in relationships after failed relationships, it’s really quite hard not to lose faith in the idea of ‘happily ever after’ and growing old and gray with a soul mate…

i’ve always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic. propelled by the idea that there’s someone for everyone, in spite of always somehow feeling undeserving of love. So, even though I never really knew exactly what it was going to look like for myself – i always believed in the idea of love itself.

and sure, there are certainly people (couples) out there who prove that it DOES (with a lot of work and commitment and determination and trust), indeed, exist. i just really have a hard time believing anymore that it’s something that we’re all guaranteed… (but hell, what ARE we guaranteed in life?!)

and now, as i face being single – truly, 100% single – again for the first time in my 30s, I’m experiencing feelings of both fear and apathy. defeat and frustration.

i really have absolutely NO desire whatsoever to jump back into ANYTHING that even vaguely resembles a relationship anytime soon. i don’t think my heart can take it… as hardened and cynical as it’s becoming to the idea of love/forever/blahblahblah/bullshit – i still don’t feel like i can (or WANT) to put myself out there again… especially now, with my newfound “what’s the fucking point?” attitude.

Not to mention the fact that I’m not even READY for anything serious – should the opportunity even present itself, so that’s besides the matter. I’m definitely thinking generally here – because we all know there has to be baby-steps in relationships before there can be walking or running. and that’s definitely where i want to be in terms of dating, etc. but even baby steps aren’t working for me these days, it seems.

SO! That leaves me struggling with what’s next…

I don’t really remember how to be without a partner/girlfriend to have to consider in my decisions. Sure there’s freedom in that… the freedom that so many committed people envy! But it’s lonely too. And honestly, right now – that’s the biggest struggle… just getting used to myself again, and being OK with so damn much alone time. Or just trying to get over the missing comfort of always having someone there… With that “constant” removed, I’m left alone with all of my insecurities and issues and the demons (past and present) that go with them. There’s no running away from it when you’re single. You’re forced to face yourself, rather than shove it all behind a cushion while you cuddle on the couch, watching a movie with the girlfriend.

So, naturally – in the past – my instinct has been to avoid *that* at all costs… And for the most part, I did.

This time, I’m really going to try my damnedest at a new approach. I’m going to do what i need/want to do for ME. I’m not going to worry about filling that empty space. I’m just going to let it be… I know I’ll be tempted, and I might give in – eventually. I don’t know… part of me does think casual dating might be OK, but honestly – i don’t know how that would work. so, i think i’ll just have to proceed with caution regarding even the most casual dates. obviously, it’s not something i have to worry immediately. but i KNOW the feeling that will be tugging at me soon enough, and i’ll be aching for that connection with someone… and that’s definitely when things get tricky. because. i. really. really. don’t. need/want. to. date. And with women it often seems to be all or nothing.

BUT! …I’m really not going to worry about that (yet).

For now, I’m going to focus on me. 100% me. My wants. My needs. Time for ME to be selfish for awhile.

things that rock

• all (ALL!) of my laundry is clean and put away

• my apartment is immaculate

• my new dosage of metadate is (clearly!) working splendidly (ah, so THIS is what it’s supposed to do)

• i have a tired pooch, exhausted from a hot afternoon at the dog park

• rock band with friends tonight

• getting a new (king size!) bed tomorrow! word.

Of course, there are some things that suck too… but today, i’m choosing to focus on the stuff that doesn’t… So far, so good

here i am again.

i’m still not sure i want to write about it…

part of me wants to. part of me wants to leave it alone for awhile.

the thing that just fucking pisses me off about the whole thing is that this “place” she finds herself in. This “thing that CHANGED” in our relationship… i’m pretty sure it’s just the NORMAL thing that happens when you date someone for any length of time.

You know that “thing”? It’s a relationship groove. It happens. It ALWAYS happens.

I wasn’t freaked out by it. I wasn’t concerned. I wasn’t worried that she didn’t want to be with me… UNTIL I became aware of the face that SHE was freaked out. That SHE was concerned. That SHE was worried that this “thing” meant that the relationship part of our relationship was over for her.

The passion DOES wane. IT. JUST. DOES. No matter WHO you’re dating. No matter HOW attracted you are to that person. No matter how much you love them. You stop feeling the urge to make out 24/7. You no longer have to spend every waking minute with that person. You’re life doesn’t end (and neither does the relationship) if you do your own thing every once in awhile – well, normally anyway.

Honestly… I’m the easiest person EVER to be in a relationship with – especially at this point in my life… i’ve done the goo goo gah gah/mushy stuff. i’ve done the ‘living with my girlfriend’ bit, i’ve done the ‘let’s get married and have kids’ thing… all i wanted with her right now was just to EXIST in a moment. That’s it. No promise of forever. No commitment. No expectations. I’ve NEVER needed ANY of that… The only thing i EXPECTED was that we would enjoy each other’s company. Hang out. Live life. Share miscellaneous tidbits of our days… but take it one day at a time. Sure, there’d be occasional mush and intimacy too – but the relationship wasn’t BASED on that (hmm. or maybe it was for her – and when the desire/lust/new-relationship-passion died-off a little, so did her interest in me on that level…? who knows.)

BUT – if we put THAT theory aside – for a commitment-phobe like her, you’d think it would be a pretty sweet deal, right?

…That’s what I thought anyway.

That’s why it’s been SO freaking hard for me to understand WHY in the hell she’d be upset by the idea that this “thing” would be upsetting for me. SHE made a lot of ASSUMPTIONS as to how SHE thought I was feeling about this “place” she was in… When, in reality, it wasn’t the PLACE at all. I thought the PLACE was a perfectly normal PLACE to be, considering the length of time we’ve been dating (close to a full YEAR). So, no. it wasn’t the distance or the lack of PASSION or the fact that she didn’t want to make out 24/7 that was upsetting or UNFAIR to me! It was the fact that she kept using this normal “thing” as an EXCUSE to end the relationship.

I’m a schmuck

“The greatest battles of life are fought out every day in the silent chambers of one’s own soul.”

~David O. McKay