What I Don’t Know About What I Don’t Know
I’m still trying to process a VERY intense conversation that I had with a friend last night/this morning. We’d gone out for a couple of drinks, and then stopped back by my apartment when she was dropping me off. We ended-up talking until 4:30 this morning. It was ridiculous…
Needless to say, we were very caught-up in this conversation and had no CLUE the amount of time that was passing. I really can’t even remember now how it started – I mean, I’m pretty sure it originally started last weekend after my girlfriend and I had met to confirm our break-up and I was kinda wanting some company afterwards – so we grabbed a bite and started talking…
My friend is a person who REALLY (seemingly) has her shit together – she’s smart. funny. successful. financially stable. emotionally balanced. and just about my same age… so, I made a comment to her last Sunday, in passing, about how I really hope to be where she is –figure out what she has figured out, and get my shit together – sooner than later.
Last night we pick-up on this same conversation when she asks me why I don’t think I already have it?
umm… because I… don’t.
I just don’t.
I think I wrote a post awhile (maybe a month or two) ago about the fact that i feel like there’s something – some “missing piece” that I’m lacking regarding my creativity… something that other people seem to “get” but I always just seem to fall short of…
I think that feeling exists pretty much across the board for me regarding MOST things. That there’s a missing piece – something I’ve yet to ‘figure out’… lessons I’ve yet to learn. blah. blah. blah.
During our conversation, I likened it to being in front of a huge wall that I need to get through. I KNOW there’s a door somewhere… and probably, it’s right there next to where I’m standing – but for *whatever reason* I just keep walking into the wall. over. and over. and over. and over… into the same spot – or maybe I’ll move over slightly, but I never get that damn door OPEN. I just keep smacking myself into the fucking wall.
so, my friend tells me – there are doorknobs and doors EVERYWHERE in this wall. She says that she believes we’re ALL given everything in life that we need to succeed. Everyone. No one is missing ANYTHING. We just have to learn how to harness and use it! That I just need to fucking OPEN the DOOR. It’s right there. That I’m somehow CHOOSING not to see it… That somehow it’s just *that* easy…
THEN… she asked me why I was afraid to open the door.
fuck.
ok. yeah… so, maybe i AM afraid…
yes. ok?!! …i. am. afraid.
terrified, actually.
of failure. hell, of success for that matter. of getting hurt. of people seeing right through me into my undeserving CORE of a person…
but apparently, according to her anyway – people already do. APPARENTLY, i’m completely transparent and i don’t even realize it.
So then she tells me it’s time to start trusting in the things that i DON’T KNOW that I don’t know…
Um… Yeah. Ok. Perfect.
I mean, sure – I’m pretty sure that I know what I know (but not always. so, sometimes I DON’T know what I know). And I *think* that I know (kinda) what i DON’T know…
Soooo, so far in my life – yep, those are pretty much the things I’ve focused on.
To which she then asks, “…and how’s that working out for you?”
…
…
…Well, CLEARLY it’s working very well…
Balls!
You know, smart people who seem to ‘get it’ frustrate the HELL out of me.
(Brain could explode at any second. To be continued…)
damn, those conversations are so crazy and intense. i have to echo your friend, though, on the transparency thing. i’ve spent a lot of time trying to hide the things i thought i ‘had’ to hide, the messed-up undeservingness etc. but the people who cared saw me, for real, all along; and the people who didn’t care, well, they didn’t care, and they don’t now, either, if that makes sense. or that’s what i’ve gathered, from trying just one of those doorknobs in my own life.
I’ve felt the same way all my life – as if I was holding myself back, as if there was a door that I just could not go through. In the last year, I’ve realized how much fear I had, about everything. Success, my sexuality, my body image – everything. I’ve been working through it – it’s brought incredible changes into my life, and there are more to come, but there in no way that I’m ever going back to the person who hides from everything. I like being real, and actually being able to feel.