22 random thoughts

•August 10, 2008 • 1 Comment

…just to clear my head.

1. even though i’m a LOT busier these days, i’m also a LOT lonelier… hmm.

2. i took and processed a few pictures this afternoon. just for fun… just for me.

self portrait and processing fun

self portrait and processing fun

3. i think my mom thinks i’m mad at her… i’m not.

4. ready to take a week off work. sooner, rather than later.

5. been reading about olympic photographers. realize how much i’ve probably been trying to force a style that isn’t ‘me’. at least not in its entirety… still trying to figure it out. thinking i should return to my minimalist, photojournalistic roots. maybe? possibly. i don’t know.

6. wish i could find contentment in just being single. i feel like such a magnet for drama. i know i create it for myself… intentionally? you wouldn’t think so… but probably. somehow… hmm. subconscious intention? is that possible?

7. i’m rambling. but that’s ok. i’m going to go with it.

8. i hate this keyboard and mouse. my keys are starting to stick… which actually kinda grosses me out a little.

9. if i could do anything in the world that i wanted to today (or anyday) – i wouldn’t be doing it here.

10. sometimes i feel like dallas, as much as i like living in the city, has killed my creative fire. i find no inspiration here. nothing. not a damn thing. it’s fucking hot as 50 hells – which keeps me inside. and even if it were 85 and beautifully sunny, what the hell is there to do? sit on a patio somewhere and drink. Shop. Go for a walk on katy trail. Take murphy to the dog park… Museum… Shop… photos – yeah, i’d like to think i’d be more inclined to get out and take more photos. Meh. hard though, to create without inspiration to create.

11. i should read more ‘real’ books… old school. you know, like printed stuff on paper… remember that?

12. i wish i new what the hell i was doing.

13. quite happy to be able to turn my head! i spent a full week with a stiff/sore neck – for no apparent reason. was really hard to change lanes when driving. kinda sucked.

14. i’m 100% broke until payday. not exaggerating. not even a little. i always count my fucking chickens before they’ve hatched, and i payed an extra bill – anticipating a freelance check. which, of course, has yet to show up… story of my life. you’d think i’d learn.

15. i am really optimistic (normally), but today – i’m kinda in a pissy-ass mood… (clearly).

16. i keep wondering… “what is going to, FINALLY, be the catalyst for the changes i need to make?”

17. just got an email from a friend of mine – we actually used to work together – saying she’s moving to san francisco… seems like she JUST moved to chicago…

18. i wish it would rain.

19. rather glad that i don’t have the cash to do much of anything this weekend. less pressure to go/do.

20. it’s nice to finally have a proper desk chair (and a proper bed for that matter :) my neck/back must’ve been freaking out this past week from all of the comfort! it’s the only explanation i can come up with for the stiff neck.

21. ok. i’m going to try REALLY, REALLY hard to finish this friggin website so i can get it off my plate. i’m officially ‘behind schedule’. Boo.

22. i <3 cap’n crunch.

Procrastination…

•July 31, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I has it

more about “Procrastination…“, posted with vodpod

What I Don’t Know About What I Don’t Know

•July 25, 2008 • 2 Comments

I’m still trying to process a VERY intense conversation that I had with a friend last night/this morning. We’d gone out for a couple of drinks, and then stopped back by my apartment when she was dropping me off. We ended-up talking until 4:30 this morning. It was ridiculous…

Needless to say, we were very caught-up in this conversation and had no CLUE the amount of time that was passing. I really can’t even remember now how it started – I mean, I’m pretty sure it originally started last weekend after my girlfriend and I had met to confirm our break-up and I was kinda wanting some company afterwards – so we grabbed a bite and started talking…

My friend is a person who REALLY (seemingly) has her shit together – she’s smart. funny. successful. financially stable. emotionally balanced. and just about my same age… so, I made a comment to her last Sunday, in passing, about how I really hope to be where she is –figure out what she has figured out, and get my shit together – sooner than later.

Last night we pick-up on this same conversation when she asks me why I don’t think I already have it?

umm… because I… don’t.

I just don’t.

I think I wrote a post awhile (maybe a month or two) ago about the fact that i feel like there’s something – some “missing piece” that I’m lacking regarding my creativity… something that other people seem to “get” but I always just seem to fall short of…

I think that feeling exists pretty much across the board for me regarding MOST things. That there’s a missing piece – something I’ve yet to ‘figure out’… lessons I’ve yet to learn. blah. blah. blah.

During our conversation, I likened it to being in front of a huge wall that I need to get through. I KNOW there’s a door somewhere… and probably, it’s right there next to where I’m standing – but for *whatever reason* I just keep walking into the wall. over. and over. and over. and over… into the same spot – or maybe I’ll move over slightly, but I never get that damn door OPEN. I just keep smacking myself into the fucking wall.

so, my friend tells me – there are doorknobs and doors EVERYWHERE in this wall. She says that she believes we’re ALL given everything in life that we need to succeed. Everyone. No one is missing ANYTHING. We just have to learn how to harness and use it! That I just need to fucking OPEN the DOOR. It’s right there. That I’m somehow CHOOSING not to see it… That somehow it’s just *that* easy…

THEN… she asked me why I was afraid to open the door.

fuck.

ok. yeah… so, maybe i AM afraid…

yes. ok?!! …i. am. afraid.

terrified, actually.

of failure. hell, of success for that matter. of getting hurt. of people seeing right through me into my undeserving CORE of a person…

but apparently, according to her anyway – people already do. APPARENTLY, i’m completely transparent and i don’t even realize it.

So then she tells me it’s time to start trusting in the things that i DON’T KNOW that I don’t know…

Um… Yeah. Ok. Perfect.

I mean, sure – I’m pretty sure that I know what I know (but not always. so, sometimes I DON’T know what I know). And I *think* that I know (kinda) what i DON’T know…

Soooo, so far in my life – yep, those are pretty much the things I’ve focused on.

To which she then asks, “…and how’s that working out for you?”

…Well, CLEARLY it’s working very well…

Balls!

You know, smart people who seem to ‘get it’ frustrate the HELL out of me.

(Brain could explode at any second. To be continued…)

Animoto.com

•July 24, 2008 • Leave a Comment
this is SO friggin’ COOL!

•July 22, 2008 • Leave a Comment

i was cleaning out my inbox last night and i came across an email I got from her awhile back. i’d never responded (she’d asked that i not).

that’s the hardest part, maybe – thinking that you’re doing ok, then getting blindsided by a random memory.

then, it’s like starting again..

This is one of my favorite parts…

__

..You’re a rare beauty that never stops overflowing. Your heart is so genuine and your spirit is so real. These are things that I love and respect about you.

…I see why so many people gravitate toward you. God has given you many gifts and one is understanding and the second is patient love. You allow me to exist as real as I am and NO ONE has ever been able to let me do that….”

•July 22, 2008 • Leave a Comment

It is important to recognize the power of our emotions–and to take responsibility for them by creating a light and positive atmosphere around ourselves. This attitude of joy that we create helps alleviate states of hopelessness, loneliness, and despair. Our relationships with others thus naturally improve, and little by little the whole of society becomes more positive and balanced.

- Tarthang Tulku

•July 21, 2008 • Leave a Comment

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